First, to start with I want to say ACK! I had all the best projects and intentions lined up for winter and yet....no posts! At least this year it wasn't for the lack of content, but rather for the lack of time. We are currently going through the RCIA course and come Easter, will be members of the Catholic Church (isn't it exciting :) ). Posts should be flowing soon (I already have some of my starters started...we really want to be able to plant bigger plants when it's finally time!) and I'm really excited to see what a new year is going to bring. A lot of things have happened since my last post and I will gladly recap them all soon enough but I have different plans for this post!
As our blog subtitle says, not only is this a place for Mike and I to share our day to day adventures, but it's a place we want to share our spiritual ones as well. For me this latest bit of pondering came late Friday night while I was praying the Sorrowful Mysteries Rosary. I'd like to share some of the aspects of my contemplation from this with you folks :).
I'll put my reference here: I was using the scriptural rosary out of my book of Marian Prayers.
The First Mystery: The Agony of Jesus in the Garden in Gethsemane
Then Jesus went with them to a place called Gethsem'ane, and he said to his disciples, "Sit here, while I go yonder and pray." And taking with him Peter and two sons of Zeb'edee, he began to be sorrowful and troubled. Then he said to them, "My soul is very sorrowful, even to death; remain here and watch with me." And going a little farther he fell on his face and prayed, "My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as thou wilt." And he came to the disciples and found them sleeping; and he said to Peter, "So, could you not watch with me one hour? Watch and pray that you may not enter into temptation; the spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak." Then he came to the disciples and said to them, "Are you still sleeping and taking your rest? Behold, the hour is at hand, and the Son of man is betrayed into the hands of sinners. Rise, let us be going; see, my betrayer is at hand."
(Matthew 26:36-41, 45-46)
So, this one struck me a little hard. Mike's been having a really hard time lately with crashing out on me. It's especially a struggle when we'll have company over and he's full of life and as soon as they close the door on their way out (even if it's not late) he starts to snore. I know that he doesn't mean to fall asleep like that, but I still find myself feeling hurt and asking him very similar words. "You can't spend one hour with me? I can't have one hour of your time? I'm not worth one hour?" This can be a very lonely feeling, truth be told. I'm sure we all have had someone that we really loved that when busy times came we felt this way about. I suppose one could also relate this to self worth as well because in a sense it does bring those struggles of not being worth this person's time to mind. This was where my mind turned to the loneliness of Christ during his passion. He was alienated from his closest friends and felt the loneliness of needing their time and their love, but being denied it (I doubt it was intentional on their part!). He knew this was the last bit of time he would have with them before his passion. I'm sure everyone's had a rough day or been in a bad situation and had friends "come to the rescue" even if it was just with fellowship. We've all known the difference even the small things they do can make to us in those times. Christ spent this time in a desperate prayer without even the small comfort of his friend's companionship. If that doesn't sound lonely, I'm not sure what does!
The Second Mystery: Jesus is Tried, Condemned, and Flogged by Pilate
And Pilate again said to them, "Then what shall I do with the man whom you call the King of the Jews?" And they cried out again, "Crucify him." And Pilate said to them, "Why, what evil has he done?" But they shouted all the more, "Crucify him." So Pilate, wishing to satisfy the crowd, released for them Barab'bas; and having scourged Jesus, he delivered him to be crucified.
(Mark 15:12-15)
Christ came to die for us to save us from our sins. He came to make the ultimate sacrifice ..for us. To me the crowd here was a stand in for each and every one of us. How lonely if must have felt (even though he knew he had come to die) to have the very people he came to save cry out for his death. I can't even imagine what it must have been like to stand in front of that crowd as Pilate asked "Why, what evil has he done?" and for the only reply to be shouts calling for his death. This also brought me to thinking on how often we turn our own backs to him. How often have you known that what you were planning on doing was wrong, but chosen to do it instead? I've really been working on this in my life, but I know that it's something that I still struggle with. Worse yet, I think, is hearing the call to do something (it could be a one time call that needs immediate attention, it could be a long term call, or it could even be a call to change yourself or your life) and making the choice to put it on the back burner or to just flat out ignore it. Can you imagine offering someone you've known since they were a child $1000 to sit down and have a 10 minute conversation with you, only to have them tell you that they are too busy, maybe another time, or even just ignore you? How much more lonely it must be to offer someone the world, everything in creation and get the same response.
The Third Mystery: Jesus is Crowned with Thorns
And the soldiers led him away inside the palace (that is the praetorium); and they called together the whole battalion. And they clothed him in a purple cloak, and plaiting a crown of thorns they put it on him. And they began to salute him, "Hail, King of the Jews!" And they struck his head with a reed, and spat upon him, and they knelt down in homage to him. And when they had mocked him, they stripped him of the purple cloak, and put his own clothes on him. And they led him out to crucify him.
(Mark 15:16-20)
My initial response to this was with my pride (because we often feel lonely when our pride has been wounded). It made me think back to the times I was bullied or picked on in school (we all have some of those memories). I know I always felt very alone in that spotlight of attention. It always felt like I was singled out, the only person who was whatever I was being picked on for, and as if no one cared or else this would stop. God Incarnate, our King of Kings was mocked with a crown and false homage. What an insult! The one who truly deserves both of these was instead mocked with them. As I pondered this, I started thinking about prisoners of war. I thought about how acts such as these are taboo because they strip the dignity of the person on the receiving end of them. The first terrible treatment of prisoners I think of is always the Holocaust. This makes it a bit easier to grasp the concept for some reason. The prisoners were beaten, abused, and all at least had the glimmer of hope of rescue. Christ was beaten and mocked knowing that his death was soon. He came to die so that even these who would persecute him could reconcile with God.
The Fourth Mystery: Jesus Walks the Way of the Cross
And as they led him away, they seized one Simon of Cyre'ne, who was coming in from the country, and laid on him the cross, to carry it behind Jesus. And there followed him a great multitude of the people and of women who bewailed and lamented him. But Jesus turning to them said, "Daughters of Jerusalem, do not weep for me, but weep for yourselves and for your children. For behold, the days are coming when they will say, 'Blessed are the barren, and the wombs that never bore, and the breasts that never gave suck!' Then they will begin to say to the mountains, 'Fall on us'; and to the hills, 'Cover us.' For if they do this when the wood is green, what will happen when it is dry?"
(Luke 23:26-31)
So, I'll be honest. My initial thoughts on this turned to infertility (so much so that I was tempted to wake Mike and get his take on the verse when I finished) and how so often we are told that we are lucky we haven't been able to bring a child into "this world". After I came to terms with this though, I figured that since I had been led to loneliness in each mystery thus far it was most likely here as well. As I ran the scripture through my thoughts, the fact that Luke used the word seized to describe how Simon came to be the bearer of Christ's cross. Even with all these people lamenting for him and following him, the guards had to seize someone who was just passing through to carry his cross for him. I would like to think that if I were in the shoes of these following and wailing for him, I would try to make any burden of his lighter I could. Seize is just such a strong word for even conscripting Simon into the service of carrying the cross. They say being a celebrity is one of the loneliest jobs in the world because they are constantly followed and adored, but no one really takes the time to love on them. What I mean to say is that just as quickly as everyone loves them, their fans can quickly turn and hate them. These people were mourning for his death, but it was a stranger from out of town who was the one to help carry the cross. Even through this loneliness though, Christ thinks of them and warns them of the future to come.
The Fifth Mystery: Jesus is Crucified, Dies on the Cross, and is Buried
And it was the third hour, when they crucified him. And the inscription of the charge against him read, "The King of the Jews." And with him they crucified two robbers, one on his right and one on his left. And those who passed by derided him, wagging their heads, and saying "Aha! you who would destroy the temple and build it in three days, save yourself and come down from the cross!" So also the chief priests mocked him to one another with the scribes, saying, "He saved others; he cannot save himself. Let the Christ, the King of Israel, come down now from the cross, that we may see and believe." Those who were crucified with him also reviled him. And when the sixth hour had come, there was darkness over the whole land until the ninth hour. And at the ninth hour,Jesus cried with a loud voice "E'lo-i, E'lo-i, la'ma sabah-tha'ni?" which means, "My God, my God, why hast though forsaken me?"
(Mark 15:25-34)
Alone on the cross, Christ is mocked, but what struck me more was what comes next. And when the sixth hour had come, there was darkness over the whole land until the ninth hour. And at the ninth hour, Jesus cried with a loud voice "My God, my God, why hast though forsaken me?" My thoughts on this (and some of this understanding comes from my Pentecostalism background) is that the darkness was when God the Father could no longer stand to watch Christ on the cross. What remorse I was filled with! In his darkest hour, Christ was apart from even that which he was a part of. I can't even begin to understand what it must feel like to be separated from a part of yourself. All I can say once more is, how lonely!
Now, during my reflecting on this, loneliness was what was laid on my heart. In all this, Christ did for us. He suffered all this previous loneliness so that we would never feel the loneliness of being separated from God. How can you not want to do everything you can to try and comfort him. For me, it's felt as though I've wronged a dear friend and I want to do everything in my power to make amends! I was so moved by this, that I want to seal it into my heart so that the next time I'm tempted to sin, I can remind myself of what all he suffered for me.
Mike and I have been going through 33 Days to Morning Glory (A Marian Consecration). We are currently learning about Blessed Teresa of Calcutta. She spoke of the thirst of Jesus. His thirst for souls and for love. I can't help wonder if this didn't play a part in my understanding his thirst a bit more. How much he must love us and desire our love if he was willing to suffer this all for us.
I should really begin wrapping this up (it is a long post isn't it? and there aren't any pictures this time!). I posted the links for the books so that if you are so inspired you can check them out for yourself! (Although, if there is a local catholic book store near you, I would suggest giving them your business instead of Amazon!) My point in sharing this was no other than to present an opportunity for the wheels of your minds to begin turning. So many people suffer from feeling alone in the world (and I know when I'm feeling that way I'm all about misery loving company) that hopefully knowing that God truly does understand the loneliness we're experiencing might make it easier for us to approach him and pray about it. I hope that this is at least a fraction of the blessing it has been for me for someone else!
